Saturday, February 18, 2017

Sing The Blues

Many blues songs begin with "woke up this morning."

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you write something nasty on the next line, like, "I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town."

Blues are simple. When you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes with it.

"Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher. And he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.

The blues are not about limitless choices. For instance, blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is the Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis or Ann Arbor. But Memphis sounds better.

You can have the blues in Dallas, but not in Plano or Highland Park. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

The blues are generally black and white. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet, b. beige, c. mauve, d. taupe, e. flamingo.

You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

Good places for the Blues include: a. the highway, b. the jailhouse, c. an empty bed. d. railroad tracks. e. crossroads.

No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an African American man in his advanced years or one of the Blues Brothers.

Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state b. You're blind c. You shot a man in Memphis. d. You can't be satisfied.

No, if: a. You were once blind but now can see, b. You're deaf, c. You have a trust fund, Your baby didn't leave you.

Neither Pat Boone nor Randy Travis can sing the blues. Somewhat surprisingly, Willie Nelson can sing the blues.

If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine (Ripple, MD 20/20) , b. Irish whiskey, c. muddy water.

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is not a blues death, if you die during a facelift, a liposuction treatment, or Botox application.

Blues names for women include: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Bertha, e. Josephine f. Lucille, g. Stella.

Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie, e. Willie B., f. Lightning, g. Blackburn, h. Shotgun, i. B.B.

Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic), b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi), c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). Or, you could generate your own blues name. Go here or check out the chart below.

A Blues way to communicate is to dial up the telephone or to "holla." Blackberrys or iPods are not Blues ways to communicate.

Blues weapons: a. shotgun, b. snub nosed 38, C.knife, D. voodoo.

People with the Blues eat barbecue, grits, corn bread, beans, and their (they) last meal.

Good blues musical instruments: Guitar (Lucille), Slide Trombone, Saxophone, Harmonica, string bass, piano, drums. Bad blues instruments: everything else, particularly inappropriate are the oboe, french horn, and viola.

You got the blues if you have lumbago, bi-polar disorder, or a bad back. A cold does not entitle you to the blues.

Black Jack is a good blues game. Keno is not.

Blues jobs include working on the railroad, picking cotton, musician, just got fired.

Blues animals include the junkyard dog and mule (not donkey).

Good blues words and their pronunciations/usage:

Word --  Blues --  Example
Sing       Sang      I cain't sang no more
Thing    Thang    That thang ain't no good
Can't     Cain't      I cain't be satisfied
Is Not   Ain't       Commonly used contraction (he ain't no good)
Think   Thank     That boy don't thank enough
Drink    Drank    Dont drank that drank
King     Kang      as in B. B. Kang
Their    They      They shoes ain't no good
You're   You       You deaf, You funny etc

Most country songs can be interchanged with blues songs (woman left me, crop didn't come in, dog died, etc pretty much work in the blues).

Last, the epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone reads: "I didn't wake up this morning"

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